There are currently talks of arming people to fight local Taliban commanders in provinces around Kabul (duh, hello? Can we make the situation here any worse? Oh yes, I have an idea, let's get more guns out there into the communities and ask people nicely to go and fight the Taliban. They will be legitimate, law abiding Taliban-fighting militias, brilliant); there have been talks of bringing in thousands more troops here (which will just fly with people who are so sick of night raids and other special forces operations - in fact people who were neither pro-government or against it, are seriously contemplating joining the insurgency - and why not? Their own government isn't doing a very good job of protecting them, and the international military forces aren't really helping either).
Military operations are actually doing more harm than good here - we've had tribal elders coming to our office by the dozen from all over the province not knowing where to turn. These night raids (which happen all over the southeast) often result in the arrest or death of innocent civilians; either that or they are grossly mishandled by young special forces soldiers who are not only terrified themselves, but they have no clue about the culture or how fragile and tense the situation already is.
I can't tell you how frustrating and sad it is to watch people who were so hopeful four years ago becoming disillusioned and bitter. And I have to ask myself, what am I actually doing here to add value? I've become a cog in an increasingly dirty, misshapen wheel, which rolled off the right path some time ago.
I was in Zurmat the other day, one of the districts in Paktia province which we largely consider to be 'lost' to the Taliban now. I listened to the Zurmati elders asking their local government representatives (and the provincial governor, who we are trying to help get out to the districts more to actually talk to his people and hear their plights) for help. All they want are some hospitals and trained teachers, the odd decent road or two linking them to the provincial centre so they can have better access to markets - and these people know how many billions of dollars have poured into this country since 2002. So they justifiably ask the question 'where has the money gone and why aren't we seeing any signs of this progress that the government's been promising for years?'
Local Zurmatis, during a gathering on Wednesday
Amidst feelings of guilt and general helplessness, I am also pondering my own safety. Whilst staying on the military base the other day in Khost province for a conference, we were attacked. Three rockets were fired from the mountains close by and landed next to the base in a series of loud explosions which made my heart almost stop. The whole place erupted into a frenzy of sirens - we were ordered to take shelter in our spartan military dormitories, donning our flak jackets and helmets and ordered to wait for further instructions from the base's loudpseaker.
This is a vast US base, home to approximately 3,000 soldiers and thousands of metric tonnes of military equipment. I sat on my little narrow bunk, everyone was quiet and the place was eerily silent except for the sound of humvees and tanks rolling past outside (they each weigh 35 tonnes, so the whole ground shook) and blackhawks and fighter planes overhead. As we waited diligently for the all-clear, I read People magazine and caught up on Jennifer Aniston's latest news. Apparently she's really excited about turning 40 next month.
Life has become a bit of a balancing act, where on the one hand I'm excited and raring to go, filled with motivation, love and hope and wanting to help; on the other hand I just want to get on the next plane and leave. Leave all this craziness behind and find a normal way of life somewhere safe where family and friends are close by. I try to balance these two opposing emotions.
And just when I think I'm about to snap, I get a pep talk from S. He tells me that life is a gift, that every breath we take is precious. Take pleasure from the simple things, he says. Don't complicate life, it's too short. So I take a deep breath and play some Beethoven and somehow the world is right again.